


had to lose you ( to find me )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [5]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fix-it fic, Literal Sleeping Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of past abuse, Nightmares, Street fighting, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 18:23:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21183938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Post 3x05 fix it. Carla has to leave for a family emergency and calls Buck to watch Christopher until Eddie gets home. What happens when he finally does?





	had to lose you ( to find me )

**Author's Note:**

> This probably won't be my last episode coda for episode five, but as of right now, it is. This story was incredibly tough for me to finish - I restarted it three times, and I'm still not super happy with it, but I hope y'all enjoy it.

It’s one in the morning when Buck is jolted awake - not from a nightmare, which is his new normal after the truck trapping him and the tsunami, and nearly losing the one kid he loves a whole lot - but from the sound of his phone going off, getting louder the more Buck becomes awake. He blinks, confusion running through him as he tries to understand why his phone is going off when he knows he has it set on do not disturb, unless it’s --- Buck jolts upwards, fumbling for his phone. It would only go off if it was Maddie, Eddie, Carla, Bobby, Chim, Hen or Athena calling. And while he  _ knows _ it’s not Eddie, since Eddie hasn’t talked to him in almost two months (his heart hurts, thinking about it, which is why he tries to focus on something -- anything else), he moves to his phone immediately, something telling him this is a phone call he can’t miss, and that something being correct when he notices Carla’s name on the screen, his heart lurching down into his stomach, knowing it’s a night she usually has Christopher. 

Sitting up properly, Buck grabs his phone and accepts the call immediately, heart pounding inside his chest as he says hello, rubbing his face while he immediately hears Carla speaking, her words too fast for him to hear.

“Carla, Carla, slow down. I just woke up, and you’re making no sense.” Buck interrupts after a minute or two of hearing Carla’s voice but not understanding her words. He can hear her taking in a few deep breaths, and Buck waits as patiently as he can, slowly beginning to tap his fingers against his thigh, wondering if he needs to remind Carla that the anxiety he has from waiting is getting to be too much.

“I need you to come over. I just got a call from my sister, and there’s an emergency at home that I need to take care of. “ Carla begins, and Buck can tell she’s sucking back a breath of panic, and he finds himself understanding her completely, remembering all of the times that he had to leave due to a family emergency.

“Yeah of course. Eddie’s not home yet?” He asks, a small frown forming on his face as he double checks the time and then gets out of his bed. The two of them might not be talking right now, no matter how much Buck tries to make it differently, but he knows that Eddie is never out this late at night, especially if it’s Carla that’s watching Christopher. Especially after Christopher hurt his wrist a couple of weeks ago while at school. He remembers the panic he felt when Carla had called him, remembers a lot about that night, but mostly remembers how it was the one night since his lawsuit that Eddie had interacted with him without anger and what seemed like hate. It seemed like things were going to be normal again between the two of them as Buck waited with Eddie in the emergency room while Christopher got a cast put onto him.

But things hadn’t quite worked out like that, Eddie ignoring Buck the day after, everyone completely confused. Not even Bosko knew why Eddie was so blatantly rude to Buck, which had just caused him to become more depressed over his friendship with the other man. But Buck tried to move on -- he tried to talk to Eddie as often as he could, tried to not show just how disappointed he was when he was ignored and definitely tried not to let Christopher see just how much he was being affected, though Buck wasn’t quite sure it was working.

“No, he’s not home yet. And normally I wouldn’t mind waiting, but --” Carla trails off, interrupting Bucks thoughts as he hums in response, grabbing a hooded sweater and putting it on, removing his phone from his ear momentarily before making his way down the steps, thankful that he was sleeping in sweatpants tonight.

Or well, attempting to, since he knows he would’ve woken up soon anyways.

“Listen, Carla, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Is Christopher still asleep?” Buck finds himself questioning, knowing that his nightmares usually hit around three in the morning, provided his wrist doesn’t wake him up by two. And while Eddie is usually home when Chris calls for his Dad, Buck doesn’t know what’s going to happen if that’s not the case tonight. When Carla confirms that Chris is still sleeping, Buck adds that he’ll be there very soon, already in his car, before hanging up the phone and dialing Eddie, seeing if his friend, or whatever, picks up, not surprised when the phone continues to ring regardless.

The drive over is fast, probably faster than necessary since it’s not like Christopher is in any danger, but Buck doesn’t want to take the chance of the little dude waking up before he gets there. Before he even makes it out to the front door, Carla is already out and walking towards her own car.

“Thank you so much Buck, sweetie. I don’t know when Eddie is going to be home - I tried calling him and didn’t get an answer. I swear, if he’s out with someone instead of at home with you and Chris--” Carla trails off and Buck ignores the flair of pain in his chest at the thought of someone else considering Buck and Eddie together, Christopher their son. It’s been almost a year, and things have changed, though not in a way Buck would like and --

“It’s fine, Carla. I’ll explain when Eddie gets home. Which will, hopefully be soon. Just text me tomorrow morning with how everything is, and drive safe, yeah?” Buck responds while Carla wraps her arms around him in a quick hug before getting into her own car and driving away. Buck doesn’t stay outside watching long, knowing Chris is alone in the house. Closing the door silently, he lets out a small breath before checking in on the little man, thankful that he appears to be sleeping well before making his way to Eddie’s couch and getting himself comfortable but ready to jump up at a moment’s notice.

He doesn’t know how much time has gone by when he begins to hear Christopher whimpering into the silent night. Getting off the couch and going to Christopher’s room is easy. Moving himself to Chris bed, he automatically wraps his arms around the little boy, whispering placating words as Christopher slowly wakes up, his whimpers becoming louder until he jolts upwards. He can tell Christopher is taking everything in, his hands on Buck’s arms as he continues to whisper softly towards Christopher. 

“Bucky?” Chris whispers and Buck hums softly, making sure that his voice isn’t too loud to disturb the silence of the night. He can tell Chris is still pretty tired - awake enough that he knows where he is and who is holding him, but tired enough that he could fall back to sleep the moment his head hits the pillows he sleeps on, once more.

“Yeah, superman?” Buck ends up whispering in response, letting out a soft sigh when he feels Christopher’s fingers dig into the skin of his arm like a cat kneading him.

“Where’s Daddy?” Chris questions and Buck can feel his heart drop into his stomach, because he has no idea where Eddie is. He hasn’t had any idea about Eddie’s whereabouts since before the lawsuit, and that is something he absolutely hates. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to answer the little boy in his arms, doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say without breaking Chris’ heart, so he remains quiet for a few minutes before letting out a soft breath, kissing the top of Chris’ head.

“I don’t know exactly where your Dad is, superman, but I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” Buck whispers, slowly rocking Christopher back and forth while Christopher sniffles for a few minutes before turning his head towards Buck.

“Why is Daddy so mad at you?” Chris asks and Buck can feel his heart break even more, holding on a little more tightly to Christopher than he should. This, he has no idea how to respond to, and he opens and closes his mouth before biting on his lower lip.

“I made a few mistakes, after the tsunami. Trusted the wrong person, and your Dad hasn’t completely forgiven me for that,” Buck whispers, fingers running through Christopher’s hair as he hears Chris hum in response before he cuddles into him.

“He’ll --- he’ll forgive you soon, right?” Christopher questions, voice soft and Buck knows he’s about to fall asleep again any minute, knows he doesn’t have to answer but doesn’t want Chris to fall back to sleep with that on his mind.

“Hopefully, so. Just know, even if he doesn’t, I’ll always be here for you, alright? I will  _ always _ love you.” 

“And Daddy? You’ll always love Daddy, right?” Chris asks, sounding barely awake as Buck makes a noise in the back of his throat.

“Of course, Chris,” His voice is soft, and he doesn’t receive an answer, and he knows Christopher has fallen asleep once more. He lets out a breath, makes sure not to move but frowns when he hears the floor squeak right outside Chris’ door. Turning his head, he’s surprised to find Eddie there, and --

Jesus, Eddie looks like hell. Buck finds himself dropping his mouth open in surprise once more before he closes it and frowns, taking in the bruises on Eddie’s arms, wondering what the hell but not sure what he could say.

He can see Eddie shifting, and the air is filled with awkward tension. Buck doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t quite want to leave yet in case Christopher wakes up. He has too many questions though, and he wonders if Eddie would answer them.

“How long have you been there?” He asks, cringing inwardly when he realizes that that is not what he wanted to ask at all. He wanted to ask what happened to him, if he was alright, if -- there were a lot of questions.

“Since Chris asked where I was,” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, his heart pounding inside of his stomach as he gulps, not sure what he could say to that. He knows that that means Eddie’s heard everything, heard how much he loves Chris, how much he loves Eddie, and he’s scared, but tired, because he’s tired of fighting and of feeling alone and --

“You should uh. Can you come with me? To the bathroom?” Eddie asks and Buck looks up with a frown before nodding and carefully removing himself from Christopher’s grip, making sure to not wake him when he has to move a certain way. He makes it to the bathroom too quickly for his likes, stands in front of the door with a frown while he watches Eddie in front of the sink.

There’s a cloth in Eddie’s hands, and the light is bright, but Buck finally notices that there’s a cut on Eddie’s eyebrow and he frowns at that, and the bloody knuckles he can’t help but notice when Eddie places a washcloth under the tap.

“Have you been fighting?” Buck questions and Eddie looks at him through the mirror before looking away and Buck swears there’s something akin to guilt in Eddie’s eyes.

“Where’s Carla?” Eddie asks and Buck -- Buck lets out a sigh, shoulders slumping as he places his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Family emergency,” he responds before standing up and away from the door frame, shifting slightly. “I should probably get going now that you’re back,” he adds, hand coming up to run fingers through his hair, ignoring how Eddie freezes for a moment.

“Or you uh, could stay,” Eddie whispers as Buck turns around Buck finds himself freezing, halfway out of the bathroom and halfway in, before he turns back around and looks at Eddie in confusion, but with hope reminiscent to the bombing they worked on together.

“Are you sure?” Buck asks, needing Eddie to be sure, needing to know that Eddie is one hundred percent okay with Buck staying here, talking things through, because he can’t handle this anymore.

“Stay.” Eddie responds, stepping closer and taking a hold of Buck’s hand, squeezing it as Buck’s heart soars inside of him. He nods his head after what feels like an eternity before stepping away.

“I’ll meet you on the couch? And then we can uh, talk?” Buck asks and Eddie nods. Buck’s back on the stairs in seconds, doesn’t remember walking or sitting there, but waiting as patiently as he could.

He’s not waiting long before Eddie appears with a white shirt and a pair of flannel pajamas and Buck finds himself eyeing him up before looking away with nerves. When Eddie ends up sitting beside him, Buck lets out a breath before looking at the older man and frowning.

“So uh, did you get in a fight or something?” He asks, eyes taking everything in, from the way that Eddie’s eyes look tired, to how Eddie can’t even sit still. 

“Or something,” Eddie responds and Buck bites his lip once more before Eddie lets out a frustrated breath and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“I was street fighting,” Eddie admits with a whisper, Buck’s eyes snapping up to his in surprise.

“What the hell?” Buck questions, shifting so his body is angled towards Eddie more, eyebrows furrowed as he tries to understand  _ why _ Eddie would begin street fighting.

“What the  _ hell _ ?” He asks once more, looking at Eddie with narrowed eyes, “Why the hell are you street fighting, Eddie?” Buck’s heart pounds inside of his chest as he waits for an answer, not understanding for one second why the older man would be risking  _ everything _ for illegal street fighting. He’s about to open his mouth and question Eddie again when he notices the man’s shoulders slump, and he stops himself with a frown, leaning closer towards Eddie, curious and worried.

“Ed?” Buck questions, placing his hand on Eddie’s wrist and squeezing, hoping that the other man will answer his questions but not willing to break whatever truce they have. Buck watches as Eddie looks around, opens and closes his own mouth a few times and even takes a few breaths before looking back at Buck.

“I’ve just been so angry,” Eddie whispers, looking away in shame before rubbing his face and looking back at Buck. The shadows from the television light his face up, no other light coming from anywhere in the house and Buck finds himself stilling as best as he can, watching Eddie for any signs of outburst like Buck is a teenager again, even though he knows better.

“At me?” He can’t help but ask, feeling small and unsure and nearly flinching when Eddie makes a sudden movement, eyes widening alongside Eddies, who slowly moves around and ends up closer to Buck than before.

“At everything, Buck. You, the situation, the feeling of inadequacy when it came to Chris. Just, everything,” Eddie ends up whispering in response, shrugging his shoulders as he lifts his knees up, resting his head on top of them while Buck frowns, not saying anything yet since he knows Eddie is only going to continue speaking and needs the time to gather his words.

“I didn’t understand why you had gone through with the lawsuit. And that made me so angry, because when you left, it reminded me so much of when Shannon left. And then I was angry at myself, because I wish I had realized that sooner, and not when I couldn’t even talk to you.” Eddie adds with his own frown, his hand joining Bucks and interlacing their fingers, squeezing as he lets out a breath and looks at him.

“And then you apologized. You explained it to us, why you went through with the lawsuit. Why you were feeling how you felt. How you turned down  _ millions _ so you could be with your family. And it was -- I was even more scared than before, because you had all of me, Buck. And that scares me.” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself smiling softly, his hand raising up to land on Eddie’s cheek.

“But I still found myself so angry, Buck. And I never understood why, but I knew I couldn’t let Christopher see, and I knew I was being horrible to you, but --” Eddie finishes before letting out another breath and shrugging his shoulders while Buck nods, understanding. 

“We’re best friends for a reason. I wish you had told me, but I understand why you didn’t.” Buck responds, voice quiet as he looks around and bites the inside of his cheek. “I had all of you, huh?” He adds with a small chuckle while Eddie laughs.

“Buck. What you told Christopher in there, how you’ll always love me. It’s the same for me, man. You have my heart, and I don’t know how it happened, but--” Buck surges forward, kissing Eddie lightly, not needing to hear anymore as his hands come to rest on the side of Eddie’s face, Eddie’s tongue seeking entrance to Buck’s mouth, which he grants, their tongues battling together for dominance before they slow down, break away and pepper one another with kisses instead of making out completely.

“Stay the night?” Eddie asks after who knows how long the two of them have been kissing, Buck smiling in between every kiss and especially now, with Eddie asking him to stay the night.

“Always, Eddie. Always,” Buck responds softly, the two of them moving towards Eddie’s room quietly, checking in on Christopher and grinning when they see he’s deeply asleep. By the time the two are in bed, Buck with his arms wrapped around Eddie’s waist, he feels completely at ease.

“You’ll stop street fighting, right?” He whispers, scared over Eddie’s answer but letting out a breath of relief when Eddie nods and moves them so they’re closer.

“You’re safe here. Promise. I’ll be here when you wake up, even if its from nightmares,” Eddie adds and Buck frowns, looking at Eddie in confusion before -- “You look like you haven’t been sleeping, Buck. Not hard to put together,” Eddie adds and Buck smiles at the older man, nodding his head and yawning.

Come morning, Christopher will wake the two of them up, shouting happily for his Bucky, begging for some pancakes, but right now, Buck and Eddie are content to fall asleep in one another’s arms, forgetting every bad thing over the past while, for tonight at least.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love, especially if they're full of what you liked and have constructive criticsm. Come find me on my [tumblr](https://laumeidelfin.tumblr.com) and send me prompts or talk to me about buddie in general.


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